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Of course she opens her nylon negligee when I ask her to, and gives me a big smile. She says, “I was wondering when we were going to get to this; you’ve had a hard-on for me for long time, haven’t you baby?” I smile back in answer while I take in the sight of the full, heavy breasts that my mother offers me, with their mesmerizing big nipples that beg to be sucked.
Isn’t fantasy great? You can even have your mother. And I’ve had her every which way from Sunday. But in fantasy is the only place I’ve ever had her. I wondered for a long time how she’d take it if she knew what I was thinking about her. I would say that she’s pretty hip, but a son going to bed with his mother? You’ve got to be more than hip to chew on that one.
If I have the guts, I just may find out. This is the week of my big experiment. I’ve decided to do something about the way I feel. What am I going to do? I’m not exactly sure, but I know I’m going to do something. When I was young and asked my mother about anything remotely sexual, her answer always was some form of ‘When you’re older.’ Well I’m older. I’m done with high school and probably old enough to know better, but I’m too brain addled from the hormones that looking at her have produced.
It’s always been her tits that get me started. The part about her boobs being full and heavy, well anybody can see that even in her clothes. They’re real, they’re big, and I get to look at them every day, even if they are covered up. They look amazing for a thirty-eight year old, and probably more so because her waist is trim. The part in my fantasies about her large nipples, well I’m not sure about that. I once caught a quick glimpse in the dark, but exactly how big, I couldn’t really say.
Mom has a look that reflects her strength, but she’s almost always smiling and that’s what makes her pretty. I’m prejudiced of course and to me she’s a ten, but I don’t think anybody would give her less than an eight. That’s not the way I really think about women, but you get the idea. The other side of the coin is mom’s personality. She may smile a lot, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t tough as nails. She stands her ground and if she thinks she’s right, get out of the way.
It’s easy to understand how losing a young husband and having to take care of a kid on your own could beat you down, but mom was one of those came out swinging. Of course I didn’t realize all this until I was much older. I just knew that mom was ‘In charge’ and so did all my friends. It’s amazing how well behaved they were in my house compared to how wild we got when we were somewhere else.
Strange when I think about it, but her strength is one of the things that turns me on about her. I love that she’s tough and independent, and can take it, and dish it out. I feel as if she’s worth winning, and worth having, especially having.
So I’m writing this as if someone else might read it, probably because I’d feel funny doing a ‘Diary’ but I want to record what happens day by day so I can examine it and see what to do next. It’s Monday, December 17th, at 7:30 AM, and I guess this is as good a day as any to call…
*** It took me an hour to get from the last sentence to this one. I started thinking about real ways to do something to get my ‘Project’ off the ground, and before I knew it, I had my mothers tits in my hands and I was holding them a she was rubbing me and then her nipples were in my mouth…well, you know how easy it is to fly off into fantasyland.
Anyway, I’ve read enough stories about mothers and sons having sex to know how writers say it gets started, but they all seem nonsensical when it come to actually doing something with my mother. What am I going to do, just walk up to her and take hold of her tit? Who knows, maybe that actually worked for someone somewhere, but I can’t do that.
Okay, I have to do something, so I’m going to start with that old stand-by of complimenting her and maybe saying something sexual. I’ll let you know what happens.
*** Well, this morning I said to mom, “Hey, I like that dress on you, everyone at work is going to think you’re really hot, which you are.”
She gave me a quizzical look and said, “Yeah, right,” which is nothing like what happens in the stories. That’s where she’s supposed to get all excited and say that she’s ready to go to bed with me. Instead she says, “I’m late Robbie, oh, will you please pick up some Chinese before you come home tonight? I have another lousy meeting and won’t be here until seven.”
Great, at this rate something will happen between us in about nine years. Okay, I have a class at eleven but I’m going to come up with something to do tonight. Maybe with the food, I’ll feed her or something. I saw an old movie, “Tom Jones,” where they get all hot with the food and end up in bed. Maybe we’ll get into that whole bit with strawberries and whipped cream all over our bodies. I better not go there now or I’ll never get to school. Okay, I’ll think about it during the day.
*** Wow, the kartal escort bayan food stuff was lame. Tonight I said things like “Ooh mom you have to try this…” and I took a piece of chicken in my hand and brought it to her lips, waiting for her to reach her tongue out and maybe lick my fingers while taking it into her mouth.
Instead she pulled her head back and said, “Rob…jeez…why are sticking your food in my face?” Very erotic indeed.
After dinner I helped her clean up, doing the old stand-by of rubbing against her whenever we crossed in the small kitchen. Oh yeah, and boy was she excited. She said, “Will you just go inside and watch TV or something, you’re all over me.” That was the idea mom. Okay so I gave up on today, but I’m going to bed and see if I can come up with something that will lead to some headway, so that I can report some progress on Tuesday, December 18th which will be…
*** I need to know what she really likes in a guy so at breakfast I said, “Why did you marry my father?” I know she likes to talk about him.
She said, “Robbie, he was a man, he was there when you needed him, he knew how to treat women, how to listen, how…the only thing he didn’t know was how to hang around long enough…boy was I pissed at him for going off and getting… ” She looked off and then came back and said, “Love to chat, gotta run.”
It didn’t tell me much. As she started getting up I said, “Was he good in bed?” She looked at me almost in astonishment and then laughed.
She said, “Well you’re here aren’t you?”
“That doesn’t answer the question and you know it.”
She gave me a playful tap behind the head and said, “If you forgive me for not answering, I’ll forgive you for asking that question, of a lady.” She exaggerated the word ‘Lady’ and struck a joking pose. As she was leaving she said, “He happened to be very good in bed, I won’t get that lucky again…for a lot of reasons.” She got serious for a moment and then said, “Okay, see you tonight sweetie pie, when you can further explore your mother’s love life.” She laughed and left. I don’t know why, but I felt as if I’d taken the first step in that often told journey of a thousand miles.
*** That night she said, “How come you were asking me those questions this morning Robbie?”
I said, “Just want to know about my father…and what makes a woman fall in love.”
She said, “Oh…is there someone special Rob? I know we don’t talk about this stuff much, but you could tell me. I don’t know how much help I’d be, but you’d get a woman’s perspective, and I’d love to see you with somebody. You haven’t seen anyone for longer than a month since Marilyn, have you? Was it that bad when you two broke up last year?”
“No mom,” I said. “It was just over for the both of us. She was going away, I was staying here. We just didn’t put off the inevitable. No. I really haven’t found anyone I want to be with for more than a month. The girls are…kids…it’s not what I’m looking for.”
She laughed, “And what are you, an old man? You’re a kid, go out and have fun. God I hope you’re not thinking of getting serious with anyone at your age. It’s too early Robbie. Just be careful, but have fun. You are careful, aren’t you Robbie?”
I laughed. She was always telling me to be careful. I said, “You’d have to be crazy not to be. I have fun, but I’d like to be with a real woman once…and it wouldn’t be bad if she had a body like yours.”
I was almost as surprised as mom to hear that. She said, “What’s up with you; do you need money or something?”
I said, “I can pay you a compliment can’t I?”
She said, “After eighteen years, you could have warned me it was coming.”
It sure wasn’t going as I’d hoped and I said, “Oh forget it.”
She softened and said, “I’m sorry Robbie; that was ungracious of me. Thank you, but you could do better than this old body…maybe once upon a time, but now it’s getting to be too much work to even keep up.”
I said, “Oh stop it ma, you look great.”
She smiled, “Thanks.”
The sweater she was wearing showed more cleavage than mom usually displayed and I must have been looking right at it when I said, “I’ll bet dad was proud of you.”
She laughed and said, “Oh, you mean these; yeah, sometimes I even got annoyed at him because he liked to show me off.”
She said, “Oh you know, I’d come into the room and he’s say to his friends, ‘Look at that ladies and gentlemen, Miss Hot Bod of the Year,’ or some such nonsense. I guess I miss that now, along with everything else.”
I said, “Mom, are you lonely?”
“I don’t have time for that.”
I said it again, “Mom, are you lonely?”
She said, “When did you get so serious?” She waited a moment and then said, “Yes…I guess I am.”
“So why don’t you go out more? You haven’t had a date in such a long time.”
She said, “Robbie, do you know how many guys I went out with, it was all such a disappointment. escort maltepe I just got tired of it…you don’t know what I had…it was all such a letdown after your father.” She got up and said, “Let me show you something.” She came back with a letter in her hand and said, “He wrote every day; sometimes I’d get six at once. This is one of the last ones I got.” She handed me the letter and I read it.
All I can think about is you and Robert, and you. And I think about going into battle tomorrow. I don’t want you to worry; I’m going to be all right. But I want you to know how much I love you. The first time I kissed you I knew that it was different and that I’d found what I was looking for, and that we were for each other.
Thank you sweetheart, because even in the middle of all this chaos and turmoil, you bring me peace. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t care, but you keep me going. You’re the beating of my heart. Thinking about holding you and touching you again makes even this desert bearable.
You will always be my darling.
I more than love you. Your Jeff
When I finished she said, “He came through that battle, but not the next one.”
I said, “It’s a beautiful letter.”
She said, “He was beautiful, and I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with him.”
“I’m sorry mom, I said. “For both of us I guess, but it’s now, and you have needs that you shouldn’t push aside.”
She said, “We all have needs, but that doesn’t mean they all get satisfied.”
The tone was heavier than I’d hoped for and I said, “Well I don’t think you should give up, there’s someone out there for you. Hey mom, until he comes along, how about I take you out?”
Her mood shifted and she laughed, “Right, how much is that going to cost me?”
I said, “No, I have it covered, tomorrow night okay?”
She laughed again and said, “I don’t know what’s got in to you, but okay, tomorrow night.” She seemed pleased and now I have a date with my mother for tomorrow night, and I too am pleased. I’m definitely amped up from that, and also because when mom went into the kitchen I got up and saw that she had left a box open on her bureau.
I’m ashamed to admit that I looked at the top letter. I won’t say exactly what it said, in case someone else ever reads this, but it had some sexual stuff in and it referred to him ‘Tasting’ her and how much she liked it. I felt bad about that invasion of privacy, and I stopped reading, but it excited me to know something about what mom likes in bed. We’ll see how our night goes.
Wednesday December 19th Day 3
***Here’s how our night went. Well, nothing much happened, except that to me, it felt like a date. I’m not sure how mom was feeling except that she seemed to enjoy herself, but I didn’t feel as if I was out with my mother, in my head, I was out with a woman, and as happens on dates, you’re not sure how it’s going to end. Did I think I would end up in bed with her? I guess it flitted around my skull at times, and it flitted in my pants when we danced. It cost me enough, but the food and the band were good and we both left feeling better than we did when we went in, so I considered it a success.
Thursday December 20th Day 4
*** Last night I kept thinking about the letter that mom showed me, and I decided to write one of my own. A few ideas came to me, but I waited till early in this morning before sitting in front of the computer to make the thoughts into actual sentences. I knew I had to write something that might make her think about me in the way I want her to.
So here’s the letter I’m leaving for mom this morning. I must have changed it fifty times before realizing that no matter how bad it was, I wasn’t going to make it any better.
I guess I’m not yet brave enough to say all this to you in person, and it’s not all that clear to me right now so I’m putting it on paper to see if I can tell you something without screwing everything up.
It was only a few days ago that I had something in mind that I thought I wanted. Over a short period of time, I realized that I that wanted something else even more. I’ll tell you the first one first, because it’s the hardest to say and even if my feelings have changed and grown, it’s still essentially true.
(At this point I stopped in the letter because I couldn’t even write the words. It took me fifteen minutes until I could continue the letter and write the next sentence)
Mom, I want you. God I hope you don’t gag on that sentence, but I guess I’d understand if you do. And yes, it means what you think it means.
That’s been going on for a while. The part that’s new is what I’ve come to realize. Not only do I want you, but I’m in love with you.
Yes, I love you. It’s real and it’s true and I feel it in a place I didn’t know existed.
Holding you and dancing with you last night made me feel as if there was only one thing in the universe, and that was us. I know that the pendik escort ‘Us’ I’m talking about may be incomprehensible, or horrifying to you. Sorry if I’m indulging myself and being selfish by telling you this, but loving you opened my heart, and I’m going to love you forever for that.
Talk about laying it on the line, I guess I’m in no-man’s land and there’s no possibility of retreat. All that’s left is to wait for mom’s response and I have no idea where that’s going to go.
*** I half expected a call from her on my cell during the day, but it didn’t come. When I got home she wasn’t there yet, and I could hardly contain my anxiety until she came in. the first thing she did when she saw me was laugh. Oh fuck. I didn’t know if it was a nervous laugh or if she thought I was a clown. Then she said, “Were you kidding with that letter?”
I said, “No”
She said, “So you want to get in my pants?” I didn’t say anything. I really didn’t expect this kind of conversation with her. She smiled, “And that business about being in love with me, you know I’ve heard that line a few times before don’t you? So tell me, do you believe it, or did you think it might help you get me into bed?”
After a moment I said, “I’m not sure…but I think I love you.”
She snickered and said, “Mmm…and you think you can handle me?” She laughed. “I don’t think you’d know what to do with me if you got me.”
I started getting defensive and said, “I would…you don’t know me.”
She said, “Oh, and you know me?”
I said, “I know I want you…I want to know you.”
She said, “Do you have any idea what kind of territory you’re in here?” She laughed, “You’re a gutsy kid.”
I said, “I’m serious.”
She said, “You’re serious? Okay, let’s see how serious you are…let’s see what you’ve got.” I looked at her uncomprehendingly. She pointed below my belt and said, “Take it out and show me how serious you are. I just stood there.
She said, “Look Rob, I’m just trying to show you something, you really don’t want to have sex with me, I’m your mother. You probably went off some deep end fantasy, but it’s not real…I’m your mother. It’s different in a fantasy. Besides being your mother, I’m an old lady. I’m sure you wouldn’t even get hard if you saw the real thing.”
I opened the top button of my pants and unzipped. She said, “Robbie!” Then she looked at me and said, “I’ve seen it all before, so don’t bother.” I wasn’t going to be intimidated. I held her gaze and took myself out. I was exposed in front of her and I didn’t care. She looked and didn’t say anything. The fact that she wasn’t screaming at me emboldened me and I looked at her tits and stroked myself a few times and hardened up. She said, “Oh Jesus Robbie…God…put that away. I was only trying to show you…”
I said, “And I was also only trying to show you, that I do want you. Do you believe me now?”
She said, “Yes I believe you, but…God, put it away Robbie, I can’t talk to you like this.” She kept looking as I fought to get it back in my pants by pulling it up towards my belly. When I got it in, I finally felt it start to subside. She said, “I’m sorry Robbie, I shouldn’t have egged you on; I don’t know what I was thinking. Listen, you know we can’t really sleep together, don’t you?”
I said, “No. not if we both want to. You always tell me that you love me and that I’m good-looking, don’t you?”
She said, “You are, but when I tell you that…you’re my son…I can’t believe I let myself in for this conversation, Robbie, it’s crazy, we can’t sleep together.”
I said, “Crazier things happen between people every day, and some of them happen between mother’s and sons, it’s not unheard of you know. Maybe we’d be good for each other, maybe we’d make each other happy, maybe we’d both be less lonely.”
Her demeanor changed and she said, “Oh baby, are you lonely? But you go out, you have friends.”
I said, “Yes, but there’s a loneliness that’s deeper than that surface stuff…it’s the one that goes away only when you’re with the right person. It’s what fills the missing part of you.”
She said, “Oh Robbie…I can’t say I don’t know what you’re talking about, because I’ve felt it every day since…well you know.”
“I do know mom.” I leaned over to kiss her. She let me. It was soft. And it was more quiet than lustful. I stayed on her lips as long as she let me. Her mouth was slightly open, her eyes were closed. Even though I wanted to, I didn’t reach for her tongue with mine.
She pulled back and said, “I shouldn’t have done that.”
I said, “Yes you should,” and leaned in again. She started saying my name but our meeting lips turned it into moan. And again that soft sweet kiss, and then another. And then she said, “No more baby…I have to think before we go somewhere we’re both going to regret.” She took a deep breath, moved away from me and said with a wistful smile, “Young Casanova…even your mother’s not off-limits?”
I said, “Mom, this is serious.”
She said, “I know…I guess it’s just starting to dawn on me how serious. I thought it was just…I don’t know anymore what I though. Robbie I’m going to walk a little and try to clear my head. Do you mind if we have dinner a little later?”
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